i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
