the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
These tits shall not be calmed
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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