Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
