Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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