i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
