and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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