my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
