Porn is love you can see.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
