i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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