i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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