Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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