I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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