He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
