I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
