He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She bit a glass in half.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
