I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
