My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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