i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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