I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
