I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
