can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
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i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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