Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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