my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
