So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
