Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
and i looked up. we had an audience...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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