Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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