Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Vodka?
Forever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
