so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
