why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
