People in love make me want to vomit
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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