I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
