There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
