I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
