I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
