I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
