that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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