Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
