She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
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It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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