I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
