I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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