I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There's always time for handjobs
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
