go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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