I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
