im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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