Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize