maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
