I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.