Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
