He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
