Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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