he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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