i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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