after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
