I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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