I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
