At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
