Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
