i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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