Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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